Kobe Bryant’s Settlement Hinges on “Who Gets to keep his ‘Game’”?

Posted on January 31, 2012 by

Vanessa Bryant filed for a divorce from Kobe Bryant in December. The divorce papers took little time to fill out, however the settlement is expected to take well over a year.

Mr. Bryant didn’t request a prenup with Vanessa due to both “love” and “great animal sex” which leaves the settlement up in the air. Rumor has it that everything Mr. Bryant touches is his and everything that Ms. Bryant touches is hers. This held true when Ms. Bryant held on to the huge Newport Coast mansion as well as everything inside of it. It did not hold true however, when Mr. Bryant immediately reached out to touch Ms. Bryant’s chest.

Word has it that the toughest part of the settlement will be who gets to keep Mr. Bryant’s “game”. Mr. Bryant has said publicly that Ms. Bryant can have most of his $200 million dollars, custody to his kids and even the star wars Lego set he spent the offseason playing with and building. One thing he made clear is that she could not have his game.

“Kobe Bryant will give that bitch whatever she wants. She can have my money and my three kids”, said Mr. Bryant in an interview Monday. “She can even have my lego set but Kobe Bryant needs to keep his game. She can’t touch that. Kobe doesn’t suddenly want to start playing like Lebron in the last five minutes of every game”.

It should be noted that as of mid January Kobe is averaging 30 points per game and almost 6 assists per game for the Lakers. He’s off to his usual all star season.

And with the settlement up in the air, only two things are for sure though:

First is that Ms. Bryant will fight for Kobe’s “game” in addition to his money, the kids and the lego set.

And second, Mr. Bryant only has two kids with Ms. Bryant.

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Everett Spear- The Greatest Man Ever?

Posted on January 30, 2012 by

In honor of one of my best friend, Everett Spear’s birthday, I wanted to make note of 15 Facts about Everett that he tries to keep on the low down, but I think people should know:

10) Everett once saved a cheetah from a tree. The next day, he found his 10 ft. ladder that he had misplaced.

9) Everett often goes into Carnegie library. He uses the doors at the top of the stairs (you have to go to Syracuse to understand that one).

8) Everett once gave a kid open heart surgery with the straw of his juice box. He then finished his apple juice, straw-less, and returned to 3rd grade recess.

7) Everett once climbed Mount Everest. His shirt clashed with the color of the mountain so he did it shirtless.

6) On Everett’s transcript the word awesome appears 16 times.

5) Everett is so popular that when he logs onto facebook, his notification tab says all the people he doesn’t have a notification from. It’s a real time saver.

4) If a tree falls in the Forrest and no one is around to hear it, Everett hears it

3) When Everett claps his hand four times, pauses and claps twice more, The Does Equis Guy shows up to dim his lights and sing him a lullaby.

2) Hugh Hefner goes to Everett to ask for sex advice

1) The meaning of life is still trying to understand Everett.

Happy 20th Buddy. All the best and many more.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

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Philosophy Teacher Accidentally Uses Semester to Discuss Syllabus

Posted on January 30, 2012 by

It was truly not supposed to happen like it did. The teacher had a plan to teach the entire Philosophy course to the class during the semester. The course was even approved and applauded by the head of the Philosophy department. But at the end of the semester, there was no question what had happened; the Philosophy teacher, Mr. Belmundo, had spent the entire semester discussing the syllabus.

“It was pretty clear after the first day that the syllabus was not something that could be passed over quickly” Mr. Belmundo recalled. “On the top of the page, the name of the class is written. ‘PHI 107: Theories of Knowledge and Reality’. Actually, we sped by that name with only a few questions, but then when we came to where the sheet said ‘Fall 2010’, things started to slow down. Students started asking brilliant questions”.

Mr. Belmundo spoke of how the students ‘questioned about what is fall?’ This in turn led to questions about, what makes a season a season? Is snow real? What year is it really? Mr. Belmundo began all answers by pausing to regroup all of his deepest thoughts, before going ahead into answers which took up class periods, or sometimes even days. The course description began to be discussed in mid October, and by Halloween, the class was discussing requirements. Talking about requirements spun into questions about free will. Does it exist? Why should a kid have to do homework? If they don’t do homework, will the outcome of life really change? What is a final exam really, and how can the value of an education be expressed on paper, or at all?

Mr. Belmundo took up until Thanksgiving break to talk about the book requirements. As he explained, the kids discussed what is a book, which in turn led to conversations about the outdoors, the sky, and the environment, leading to a conversation of paper and trees, which ultimately led to the question on everyone’s mind: if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?

The class discussions were so stimulating that there were multiple days where Mr. Belmundo would walk into the classroom, put a gentle hand through his long hair, take off his glasses, sit at his desk silently and rub the temple of his eyes until the class was over. On multiple occasions, teachers complained that Mr. Belmundo forgot to dismiss the students until hours after the class was over. Mr. Belmundo explained that when discussing the late policy, the kids and he came to a revelation that watches shouldn’t have the power to tell people how to live their lives. At that point, Mr. Belmundo smashes the clock in the room with a student’s math textbook and all the students threw their watches and cell phones into the garbage can.

On the last day of classes, Mr. Belmundo gave a speech about how impressed he was by all of the students. He requested that no students raise their hands while he spoke so that he could give his speech with minimal tangents, such as the meaning of life. And when Mr. Belmundo was finished speaking about the meaning of life, something he had not planned to do, he excused the class to leave. But none of the students left, they wanted to know what class Mr. Belmundo would next teach. Mr. Belmundo said that he planned to teach a class titled ‘Skeptics; doubting that they exist’, in the spring of the following semester.

And with that, all of the students stood up and applauded wildly. They didn’t understand how sound came from clapping any more, but they just did it. Mr. Belmundo was truly touched. Even the two students in the back of the room, who came to every class wearing sunglasses carrying bags of food, managed to stand and applaud. A tear could be seen running down the face of one of the boys, right beneath his sunglasses. Mr. Belmundo had changed the students’ lives, and he hadn’t even made it past the syllabus.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

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In Wake of Recession, Homeless Forced to Move

Posted on January 29, 2012 by

It’s something that most people don’t think about. The recession has affected the entire country. The rich must spend more modestly, and limit themselves to one private jet per household. The middle class must stop giving their kids presents for both the holidays and their birthdays. But what most people don’t realize, is that the poor have been affected by the recession as well. Specifically, the homeless.

It’s not that people don’t give money to the homeless anymore. Let’s be honest, people never really gave much to the homeless even in times with money, so that’s nothing new to people who live on the street. What has changed, is that homeless people are being foreclosed from the alleys and street corners where they reside.

“What people don’t realize with this recession” Ronald, a man who has lived comfortably with a shopping cart and a cardboard box behind the Waldorf in New York City for somewhere between 5 months and 16 years, “is that we homeless people are being forced to move from where we currently reside. I used to be one of the most fortunate homeless people in this city. The things that I would find in the alley of this here Waldorf would make even Gerald, who lives on 5th Ave, the street, not in an apartment, jealous.”

What’s happening is a ripple affect. People’s economic statuses are like a pyramid. Those at the top are the richest, and those at the bottom are the homeless. When the lowest class people, the penultimate piece of the pyramid, lose their jobs and become homeless, they become some of the most respected homeless people. They push the most well off homeless, such as Ronald, to move from the most extravagant outdoor livings into subpar areas such as Hotel Carter located on 43rd street. The thought of moving to such an area put tears in Ronald’s eyes.

“My friends, what will they think when they hear the news in 1 to 5 years. And the people who I see every morning, the ones from the hotel who tell me every single day, ‘Ronald, you need to leave and not come back’, they will be devastated when I’m not there. I used to take this place for granted,” Ronald said, looking around at the Dumpster he used to call his Dining Room “but this new place shouldn’t be so bad. I’m sure the people at the new hotel throw out boxes of half eaten pizza and socks with holes in them too.”

“This recession has been really bad on me,” said Ronald as he packed up his thing before leaving. “But I pray that one day things will go right for me. So right that I’m back here at the Waldorf to live”. Just to clarify Ronald said “not to live inside. That place is expensive as shit and I’m, well I may be homeless and have some dreams, but I’m just a realist”.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

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American Soccer Announces it Prefers to go by Futbol

Posted on January 29, 2012 by

In a very surprising and bold, but not the least bit passive aggressive way, it was announced tonight that Soccer prefers to go by Futbol, a name that the sport once wore proudly. The American Professional Football Association was founded in 1920 and two years later became known as the NFL. Without even reasoning, the overly arrogant sport proclaimed itself Football.

“It was like a girl whose at prom for an hour in a beautiful yellow dress with matching shoes” began explaining the definitely not gay MLS spokesperson “and then another girl shoes up wearing the same thing and everyone thinks that she wears them better, so naturally the first girl has to go change”.

A person with chest hair explained that he believed the non-gay spokesperson was explaining that American Football was far more popular than Soccer, so Soccer was forced to change it’s name. The man with chest hair would neither deny or confirm reports that the MLS spokesperson was describing an experience that he had at his high school prom. Chest-Hair man did however nod his head yes while saying that he had no comment.

“It’s funny really. In the sport today known as Football, the players rarely use their feet. The game should be known as pass ball, or tackle ball, or angry people ball”, joked the man with chest hair as he snorted, revealing his character flaw leading to his association with Soccer.

Soccer has quietly accepted it’s new name for 80 years but behind the good-looking and incredibly over rated insistence of David Beckham, the sport decided to speak up this year.

“Americans have long overlooked the feelings of the sport and ignored the fact that the sport known as soccer much prefers to go by Futbol. I think people should respect that”, said Mr Beckham as he sneezed into a $20 bill. “The game which I love to look handsome sitting on the bench injured much prefers to go by Futbol and I expect people to respect that.”

The one reporter who went to hear the urgent message of the sport formerly known as Soccer asked how this change may affect the way that the sport is followed in the United States.

“We hope that between the excitement of change, and the confusion of having two sports with the same name, the sport of ‘Futbol’ can double, or even triple it’s fan base” said a man associated with the league who refused to give his name or position because he cared too much about his reputation.

“The league is trying to not get overly excited by the sports new name, and new found confidence, but we can’t help but to think about having a fan base numbering triple digits in the US starting next year. Hey, a guy can dream cant he?”

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

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Business Major Breaks up with Girlfriend Professionally

Posted on January 28, 2012 by

Once he decided that he needed to break up with his girlfriend Tiffany, Jeffrey Riggens knew that his breakup did not need to be emotional. Rather, Riggens would compose himself as a business man and be professional, hoping that Tiffany would buy into why he was taking his relationship in another direction.

Jeffrey and Tiffany had begun dating at the end of senior year of high school in Hartford Connecticut. But things changed when they went to college. Tiffany went to University of Hartford to pursue her passion to dance professionally. Jeffrey went to UConn to study business, something which he loved so much, it began to dominate his life.

It was not the distance that killed the relationship, it was more of Jeffrey’s new business persona. Jeffrey would describe his new persona as ‘mature’ and ‘professional’. Tiffany viewed his new persona more as a ‘stupid fucking prick who like oh my god just stabbed my fucking heart with a razor repeatedly’. But that’s skipping ahead. Jeffrey described how a true business man breaks up with a girl in a manner that is completely appropriate and professional.

“I invited her into, what I call the conference room, but what my parents refer to as the ‘living room’” Jeffrey began. “That is where I had my powerpoint presentation set up. I started by showing a slide show of some of our happiest memories. I figured that was engaging and a classy way to start things off. I played music and passed out a laminated booklet which I titled, ‘A Synopsis of This Breakup’. She began to cry but I asked her not to interrupt my presentation”.

Jeffrey again played with his tie and cleared his throat. He jumped right into things presenting a time graph showing how happy he felt with Tiffany over the 8 months that they spent together. He took out a long stick to point at the graph and pointed to a huge drop off in happiness around the 5 month line. He kept on repeating the phrase, it’s all here in the charts.

“I just kept explaining to her: It’s not you baby, it’s these charts” Jeffrey said recounting how Tiffany’s facial expressions and curses almost affecting his ability to present successfully, as Mr. Yen had taught him in Business Presentations 107.

Jeffrey then quickly gained his composure and raced through all of the different charts which he had prepared. He showed on a line chart how Tiffany’s bitchiness had been steadily increased and how it was at a four month high. Jeffrey showed a scatter plot of hotness and easiness of Tiffany versus girls he knew at college, and showed how Tiffany was becoming an outlier in the wrong direction. Jeffrey pulled out a bar graph to show how much fun college activities were, and showed how a phone call to Tiffany at this point, was just lower on the bar graph then a hangover, or eating college food.

Finally, Jeffrey showed Tiffany a pie chart showing how likely he thought things were to happen now that they broke up. The biggest slice of the pie, 68% said, ‘angry breakup sex on the couch located to your right’. 24% of the pie said ‘she will probably tear up the handout that I gave her’. 6% of the pie said ‘she is professional about being laid off, shakes my hand, maybe a quick HJ or BJ, and leaves’. 2%, a piece almost impossible to see said, ‘remain best friends!’

With that, Jeffrey gave Tiffany her severance package consisting of tissues, a boxed apple juice, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a picture of Justin Bieber, a $5 coupon to starbucks, half of a twix bar, and another copy of the handout which he had given her during the breakup conference. With that, Jeffrey asked his father, who was sitting to his left to come and accompany Tiffany to clear out her things and leave his house.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

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Why Plagiarism is Bad and Boring (my first post)

Posted on January 25, 2012 by

Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.
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