Author Archives: asteinbach

            Mets officials announced today that the Mets have decided to just sit this season out. The decision came just days before pitchers and catchers were set to report to spring training. General Manager Sandy Alderson explained that the decision was made for many reasons, including the fact that it’s such a hassle to go all the way to Florida and he always get’s so burned because he forgets to put on sunscreen.

“I’m going to be honest for a minute,” said Alderson as he unpacked his things from his bag and returned to watching The Jersey Shore, Continue reading →

            Single reporter, Bob ‘Fatty’ McGale, the only guy available to work during Valentines Day, reported this afternoon that early Valentines day polls are in. Bob put together the VDay report, a 100 page report which includes early success rates for men, men’s performances this valentines day, and chocolate smudges that came from Bob’s self bought heart shaped box of chocolates from CVS. Bob claimed that his super sexy, bikini wearing, Swedish girlfriend sent him the chocolates although that stains on his shirt which consisted of Pizza grease, chocolate, tears and shame would probably disagree.

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The Penny Newspaper, a $2.00 Jewish newspaper that is often haggled down to cost 50 cents, published a report today saying that The Jews are suing somebody over Jewish jokes. It is unclear who is being sued, or what jokes have been said but a lawsuit is in the works.

“We Jews are tired of the influx of Jewish jokes we have been hearing,” said Chaim Shalom, The Jews’ attorney, as he bit into his bagel and lox sandwich Continue reading →

NBC announced today that the commercials during Super Bowl Sunday will include a football game. The game will be used as a means to break up the commercials. The decision is strictly a financial one as NBC feels that airing the Football Game will help to fund the commercial specials on Sunday. Fox feels the NFL will pay good money to have the game aired. Although NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is not too happy about the game being televised. Continue reading →

            NASCAR, The National Association for Stock Car ‘Something (?)’ Racing , announced today that it will increase safety on the track. This move seems like a long time coming to a “sport” that has seen over 15 drivers killed since the early 70s. That number may be high however. Some of the deaths are controversial as replays of the death the racers killing themselves of boredom before the car actually crashes.

            The new safety features will include 6 new elements intended to make everyone on the track more secure in all ways, including sexually secure. NASCAR made the 6 rules public today at a news conference before a sea of southern reporters and one fat guy who was lost but too tired to move. The 6 safety measures include:

(1) Speed Limits- Every track will now include a speed limit. Continue reading →

            Little Billy Jr. is not like most of his classmates. Yes, he picks his nose. Yes, he likes Mario Kart and hanging out with his mommy. And yes, on occasion he gets excited and pees himself. But Little Billy Junior is an insomniac. In his kindergarten class, this is a big issue for LBJ.

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Verizon has announced today that they are coming out with a new phone for elderly people. The phone is set to debut in the summer of 2012 although they are rushing its debut for obvious reasons.

“There will be many differences with this phone as well as the monthly plan,” explained Bob, 71 year-old President of the Department of Elderly Arthritic Telephone Headquarters, the youngest President of DEATH in Verizon’s history. Continue reading →

In honor of one of my best friend, Everett Spear’s birthday, I wanted to make note of 10 Facts about Everett that he tries to keep on the low down, but I think people should know: Continue reading →