It has long been known that running at your full speed, only to be stopped immediately on impact and thrown to the hard floor wasn’t exactly great for a player’s health, but now with the reports being published, people believe it is bad for you. If parents start to buy into this, they may stop allowing their kids to play football. If this happens, the worst case scenario would be that Football could cease to exist. Or worse, the sport could stop existing and then Soccer could retake the name Futbol, as David Beckham and all 8 of his packs have pleaded for.

Players have been speaking up to protect the sport that they love and ensure people that it is safe and that kids should be able to play.

“This sport is something that I have played my whole life, and look at me” said Domonique Foxworth, the president of the NFL Player Association and current NFL free agent, at a press conference. “I am fine, do you see anything wrong with me?” he said while speaking into his hot dog and taking a bite out of his microphone. “I’ve never been better. By the way, does anyone want to go to my middle school dance with me” Foxworth asked while trying to chew the big bite of microphone he took.

Of course, the end of the football league is just an extreme example of what could happen, but it is more possible now then it’s ever been. Parents are now aware of something they’ve been blissfully ignorant of for more than a decade and these parents’ reputations are at stake.

The whole nation will continue to watch this story about the sport that they have declared their new past time develop. The overall mood is sad and anxious. Except for David Beckham and all the tens of soccer fans in the US. They are getting excited to retake the name of Futbol for the sport that they somehow adore.

The new study finds that dogs hate it when owners speak for them. Although humans believe they know what their dog loves and hates, the study finds that most things humans say are actually the opposite of what the dog believes.

Famous dog whisperer Cesar Millan believes that the results of the scientist are fabricated and completely inaccurate. But he doesn’t speak loud enough to be taken seriously.

This hypothesis was put to the test when the Dog Translator, a key invention used in the study, was used in real life situations. People speak most for their dogs when out on a walk, and when house guests visit their homes. But the Dog Translator has reveled, time and time again that these people are absolutely wrong. Here are two situations that highlight the results:

Situation 1: Person is walking their dog around a lake as they approach someone else with a dog. The two dogs start to go nuts, barking and jumping at each other until their leashes chokehold them.
Owner: Oh please don’t mind Baxter. He loves to be playful. He thinks this is his lake so he’s being a little protective too. But it’s all in good fun.
Dog 1: What are you doing here Johnny, you slept with my wife. The hell dude, I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. What the hell is my master saying, I’m not being playful. Of course this isn’t my lake, I don’t do anything for a living but sit around and chase a ball, how could I afford this? It’s all in good fun? He broke up my marriage. Squirrel!
Dog 2: Your momma. Your momma. Did he just call you Baxter, you still haven’t corrected him? You coward, no wonder you lost your wife. Also she was sold because you two couldn’t keep your paws off one another and made too many babies. Go bark yourself man. Squirrel!

Situation 2: A little girl comes over to play with her friend. Enthralled by the dog, she runs over to him and starts petting him, holding him, running after him, throwing his toys around.
Owner: Oh isn’t that sweet. Freckles loves that. Scratch him behind his ear, he loves that. Look how closely she’s holding him, he loves when someone plays with him and his toys. He’s barking and his tail is wagging, he’s so happy!!
Freckles: Oh lord why is this girl running at me. She’s holding me so tight I think I’m gonna suffocate, maybe if my master sees my tail wagging he’ll know I can’t breath. Why is she scratching behind my ear? Human’s, scratch behind your own ear, who likes that? Why do you think I like that? And for goodness sakes I just organized my toys by drool levels, stop it! Stop it now! Also, I’m a girl. Master, you have really been neglecting me…

There was a quote from Millan, the dog whisperer, a really meaningful one that explained a lot but he whispered too softly, so we might have misheard and therefore have chosen to not include it.

Organizations like PITA will jump at the chance to get their hands on the Dog Thinker, but rumor has it that the only Dog Thinker has already been destroyed.

Although no one can prove who destroyed it, the main culprits as of right now are cats.

            Divorce rates between celebrities in recent years have been said to reach up to 80%. Even the longest standing couples stand to inevitably get divorced. With those odds, it seems like the only people not getting a divorce are either celebrities on the C list, or celebrities who want to cheat but are not hot enough.

“The thinking behind this new alteration is brilliant,” Alec Baldwin, the best looking man to only divorce once began to explain. “Getting married as a celebrity is not for life, it’s a short term experience, done to be spontaneous or to put up a good show for average looking people (not celebrities). So Jon [Hamm] came to me and a few other people in our exclusively good looking club, and we drafted new celebrity wedding vows, and a new norm for celebrity weddings.” Mr. Baldwin would have continued but he was hit in the neck with a poisonous comb, presumably thrown by someone in the exclusive good-looking club. He said too much.

Wedding vows will sounds remarkably similar to the old vows, but with some key exceptions:

I, (name is optional because everyone knows the celebrity), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have

and to share money and photo-shoots with from this day forward, for better, for richer, for skinnier, in makeup

and in health, to love and to release sex tapes with; from this day forward until fatness and cheating do us part.

Custom vows will be optional for those celebrities who want to specify the conditions of their marriage. For example, marriage may last until a certain date, or until the celebrity has the chance to land a big movie and becomes better then their spouse. A celebrity can also list off people in the audience who they would like to sleep with, and can then sleep with those people, as part of the ‘audience participation clause’ started by Russell Brand (years before the clause was put into motion).

A few more things to note about these new wedding are as follows. All weddings will be administered by T-Pain. A minister will be in attendance, but only incase the couple wants an immediate divorce, which will be known as the ‘Kardashian Clause’.  And finally, a celebrity may choose to walk down the isle with someone who played their parent or friend on a TV show or movie, rather than a family member in real life.

Though these new celebrity rules are extreme, no one has questioned them. There are two reasons no one has questioned Hamm, Baldwin or the other good-looking members of the exclusive good looking club. First, is because no one has the confidence to approach any of the members, let alone to question them. Second, in a weird way celebrities realize that this may be the best thing to happen. Well, the best thing since the invention of Photoshop in 1988.

            It has long been known that, while some of the material learned in college is important, students believe other classes are waists of their time. To be successful in life, film majors don’t need to take biology, Pre-med students don’t need to take accounting, and business majors don’t to take… any classes.

Syracuse was the first school to realize this. They decided to change up the core curriculum for students. Students now have to take only classed that fulfill their majors, and a certain amount of practical classes.

“Students will still need to take 3 or 4 required, pointless classes,” said the Vice President of the Courses Committee, Rhonda, who is fired next year and therefore released way too much information. “This is because parents wanted it. There are three times when parents hear from their kids [as the chart below explains]. To ask for money. To complain about classes. To catch up and say they love them. Keeping a few pointless classes ensures that parents will still hear from their kids. This is important because parents are the ones paying for most students tuitions.”

Students were surveyed on both important and unimportant things they would rather do than classes they don’t like. On the unimportant side were things like homework, or calling mom and dad. On the important side were Facebook and drinking. This survey was not taken into account by Syracuse when changing the curriculum.

Some of the practical classes with the most hype are PPC 101 and CPH 204. That is, Pick Pocketing 101 and Computer Hacking 204. These classes will teach kids real life lessons that will allow students to start earning money the moment they leave college. For the PPC midterm, students pair up and go to New York City to test what they have learn. The group that hands in the most stolen credit cards, watches, and wallets gets an ‘A’, and gets to keep half of the earnings. As punishment to the losing groups, the teacher reports the names of the losing students to the police.

Another course that figures to be popular is the COL 101. This is an Introductory for College class that teaches students how to really enjoy college. Students learn how to not be socially awkward at a party, how to dress and speak cool, and how to conform completely while still hold onto one thing about themselves that they really like. For the final, the teacher simulates a college weekend to see how students act. Anyone caught on his or her phone during the party simulation fails for looking socially awkward. Any guy caught drinking a fruity drink can pass the class, but cannot get a better grade than a ‘C’. Anyone who doesn’t pregame the final, fails.

No other courses have been released yet. The classes figure to be interesting and helpful for students to both get through college, and life. The big move towards listening to students and adjusting school to what they want is a step in the right direction for some schools who choose to follow in the footsteps of Syracuse.

For other schools who believe in tradition, and being hard on students so they do better in the long run and receive better well-rounded educations that they pay for, however, there does not appear to be an education reform in their near future.

No judgment can be made yet about which system is better. It is quite clear though, that it is not the new one.

            ‘Binge’ Bobby wasn’t the only boy to react harshly to the news. ‘Lightweight’ Lance jolted and spilled half of his beer all over the floor when asked about the rumor. He denied that the spill came from having two whole shots the night before, enough to keep him inebriated for a good 16 hours.

            When ‘Hot Shot’ Hank was asked to verify the rumors, he missed the first shot of his beer pong game. ‘Hot Shot’ has never missed the first shot, even when the game is a low key one with his beer pong endurance trainer during the week, multiple frat boys explained. What most people did not see, were the tears streaming down ‘Hot Shot’s face. But when ‘Hot Shot’ was done crying, he hocked a luggie onto the ground, and tried to play it off like something flew into his eye. He did not want to come of as a little bitch, but the question caught him so off guard that he was truly hurt.

            “The thing is,” vice president Tommy ‘the Tank’ explained, “that these floors are holy. I mean really sacred. All of the alcohol that has been dropped on these floors, all of the casual sex that starts on that couch” he said motioning to a couch in the middle of the living room, with a half eaten piece of pizza on it and no one in sight, “and ends up on the floor, and all the activities in between, add new colors and odors to the floor and makes those floors holy. The last guy to clean the floors,” ‘The Tank’ hesitated, and took a deep breath before continuing, “did it in 1983. The president of this Frat those days was ‘Myagi’ Mike because he used to drink handles like the Karate Kid could wax on and wax off, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyways, two days after having someone clean the floor, the president became known as ‘Missing’ Mike”.

            “Oh Mike did call me the day before he went missing,” Mrs. ‘Myagi’, Mike’s Mom said in a solemn voice. “He told me about his idea to clean up the floors. He said that there was too much throw up and pee on them, and that he thought it was for the best,” she recalled. Mrs. ‘Myagi’ was only recently located someplace that no one thought to check in the South. “I thought it was the funniest and cutest thing my boy ever said. Like those dumbass comments your 5 year old says but you shrug off because he is young and has time to learn. Anyone who knows anything would know not to do a thing like that, so naturally I assumed he was joking. If only I’d known…”

             “I mean it’s like Moses taking a dust-buster and using it on the desert. That floor was holy and my son interfered with that. That kid had a 3.9 GPA. How the hell did he not realize what he was doing?!” Mr. ‘Mayagi’, Mike’s Dad, said before Mrs. ‘Myagi’ calmed him down and gave him cheerios to help with his blood pressure and cholesterol.

            It is now believed that it was Mike’s parents who may have started the rumors about cleaning the frat floors, possibly in order to take attention away from them being one of the most hated families in American history. So it is possible that the anonymous source who leaked the story that the Frat may possibly consider the thought of cleaning the floor, was in fact ‘Missing’ Mike’s parents.

They may have believed it to be a funny idea. But, similar to a joke about Jesus’ crucifixion, it is just too soon to make jokes on the topic. It needs more time to settle in people’s minds. One thing is for sure: the rumor won’t be taken lightly. The police have already begun to investigate where this rumor started and who should be held accountable.

People believe that the felons will face time behind bars, at the very least, for what they did. After all, it is a miracle that no one endured physical pain by these rumors. But lets not forget the emotional pain that has overcome the campus and the poor frat boys. Let us all just pray that the report was in fact, just a rumor so that the holy place that is a frats floor, may continue to live in untouched harmony and holiness, and so that life as we all know it, can one day be restored.

But something has been changing over the last few years. More and more people are having Astroturf put in on their lawns, and if there is one thing that gardeners don’t like, aside from how they were turned down for getting visas in this country, it is Astroturf.

Astroturf was invented in 1965 and since then, the rivalry between gardeners and the turf has been heated.

“I don’t know man,” said Juan, a lawn mowing veteran of 16 years, “the turf man, you just can’t cut it. It’s confusing and frusturating. It’s a real tease. What are you turf? Are you grass? That’s like what The Jerry Seinfeld would say. Why can’t I cut you man?”

The lawn mowing industry has lost 50% of their business to Astroturf, based on a 4 person sample size on Washington street. Even worse, the lawnmowers can’t even wrap their heads around their rivals. Since many of the gardeners were young kids, they were taught the beautiful trade of cutting grass and taking care of a lawn. Their job has become their passion. They love the beautiful green of the freshest spring grass, the smell that surrounds them as they cut it, and the feel of the grass after it is cut. With Astroturf, they are unable to cut the grass.

With tensions building, there are a lot of questions about what the next move is for lawnmowers. It’s unlikely they want to call too much attention to their profession though, as a percentage of lawn mowers are not in this country legally. The gardeners have a deep history with their profession. In fact, many rode their mowers across the American border and used their leaf blowers as a means to ward off American border patrols.

That is just a small part of the rich history of the beautiful history of many gardeners. These people mix business with pleasure on a daily basis, but are now threatened and teased by Astroturf, a gardeners arch nemesis. This is just the start of a long and passionate battle for ages to come. Clippers will be broken, words with questionable meanings will be spoken, and, one thing that is for sure, is this will not be a quiet battle. After all, lawnmowers are noisy vehicles.

If you are asking yourself: what happens when an unstoppable green machine meets an unmovable piece of rubbery grass, all that can be said is, you are not alone. And you will soon know.

“We needed to switch his seat because, you see, we booked two people for his seat” said Margaret, whose nametag was blue “and Jim booked his flight first. He gets priority. We had a first class seat vacant. A rich man had bought the seat just to prove he was unaffected by the recession, and so we gave the seat to Jim. But the look Jim had upon realizing he would be in first class… oh that look!” Margaret couldn’t finish her story. She was nearly moved to tears, and also it was her lunch break.

Jim was always the nicest kid in his class, the type of friendly kid who always did the right thing. But as Jim sat down in his comfortable and spacious seat, across from a man who showed his success by the way he actually used his Bluetooth earpiece, something started to change in Jim’s mind. He watched as people passed behind him to their seats. Their seats were average seats, so these were the average people. And Jim sat in first class, he was important. He grew power hungry.

It started subtly as Jim began to understand his importance and power. Jim was given special snacks for free, and offered a special bathroom. There was a button for him to press if he needed anything. But Jim wanted more.

The flight attendant came around and offered a drink to Jim. He ordered Orange Juice, and upon sipping the juice, he barked at the waitress.

“Woman gave me OJ from a carton” said power-hungry Jim. “I wanted it hand squeezed with a mini umbrella. I don’t mean a cheap umbrella, I mean a real, working umbrella, but mini and in my drink.”

Things became awkward because the first class flight attendant was taught to everything and anything to keep first class passengers happy. Jim started demanding more and more. He yelled at an old man for looking at him. He demanded that the attendants address him as ‘King Awesome’, and to address him often.  He then yelled at the attendants for disrupting him from doing something awesome and important.

“Things spiraled out of control fast” the captain recalled. “Jim’s confidence was remarkable. He wanted more room so he had everyone in first class move into the cockpit. He then renamed the cockpit the penis-pit, this was personal to me. He even started firing people, even those who didn’t work for Jet Blue. He actually fired the third most powerful lawyer in New York. I still don’t know how he did it, but the guy was actually fired.”

Things were getting out of control when Jim ordered the pilot that he be allowed to fly the plane so he could reenact scenes from the movie Airplane. But then something remarkable happened. The plane landed. And as soon as the plane touched down, Jim’s body collapsed on the floor.

“It is unhealthy for someone to go from having that much power, to being average again” explained power-to-average specialist Mike Tyson. “The more power you have, the stronger the collapse. After one of my power collapses, I woke up with a tattoo on my face. Those can be very dangerous.”

But for Jim, it was not dangerous. The passengers raced off of the plane, which was approaching the gate and not yet fully stopped, for fear that Jim would wake up and not allow them to leave. But when Jim woke up, 18 hours later, he was average again.

He was also in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

A new advertising report published yesterday, however, looks at what it would mean for a company to steer into the skid, and embrace an athletes controversial actions. Research shows that this may prove more effective than abandoning the athlete and blatantly trying to avoid bad publicity. Here are a few of the athletes dropped from a campaign, and how the company could have better dealt with the controversy.

1)   Tiger Woods, Sponsors: Gatorade, AT & T

Controversy: Cheated with over 100 women.

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-The only drink with enough electrolytes to power you through multiple mistresses, Gatorade.

-The most secure lines in the nation, until your mistress exploits you for money, AT & T

-Now includes the best deals for family circles as well as mistress circles, AT & T.

2)   OJ Simpson, Sponsors: Hertz, Treesweet orange juice.

Controversy: Murdering his wife and her boyfriend friend.

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-No charge if blood is found in the back seat. No questions asked either, Hertz.

-Get your day started so right before you do something so wrong, Treesweet Orange Juice

3)   Michael Vick, Sponsors: Reebok, Nike

Controversy: Dog Fighting.

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-The shoes you need to run from cops, in comfort. Reebok.

-The clothes you need to train your dog right, Nike.

-Now featuring dog fighting jerseys. Limited time only. Nike.

4)  Lebron James, Sponsors: Bubbilicious, Sprite, and McDonalds.

Controversy: Everything. Just everything. (“The Decision” was the worst).

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-When you have 59 awkward minutes left to elaborate on why you are screwing over your team and fans, chew Bubbilicious.

-The gum you chew to stop you from saying everything wrong, Bubbilicious

-Take your appetite from BK to McDonalds.

-The decision is Sprite. And this decision only took a minute.

5)   Kobe Bryant, Sponsor: McDonalds.

Controversy: Cheated on wife.

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-Fries so good she has to forgive you this time. McDonalds

-Fries that go great with a huge, diamond ‘I’m sorry’ ring. McDonalds.

6)   Barry Bonds, Sponsor: Mastercard

Controversy: Hit a lot of homeruns with a lot of help from steroids.

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-Now you can get steroids, free with reward points. Mastercard.

-Steroids: a few thousand dollars. Baseball contracts: Millions of dollars. Losing everything when people realize you cheated America’s past time: Priceless (except for court fees). There are some things that money can’t buy, for everything else, there’s mastercard. Unless you are in jail.

7)   Mike Tyson, Sponsor: Pepsi

Controversy: Bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear while fighting, got a full face tattoo. Woops.

Potential Ad Campaigns:

-So fizzy you could just bite someone’s ear off. Pepsi.

-The drink that doesn’t judge you, mostly. Pepsi.

-Non shiny cans so you can forget about your face tattoo. Pepsi.

These ads effectively level with the public and would be a far more effective means of advertising. Psychologists even believe that the ads would help make the athletes more popular and less controversial by putting their controversial actions in front of the public for people to laugh about. Except for Lebron James. Psychologists have concluded that no one will ever like Lebron.

“I had not idea the importance of calling shotgun” Tommy screamed over the roar of the wind that was much stronger in the back than it was in the front, “until I was thrown in the back. I mean look at them up there. They are talking and laughing and I can’t hear a thing. Occasionally Ronald [Tommy’s friend who called shotgun] looks back at me and says something, but I can’t hear him. And look at all of the leg room they have.”

The incident started when Daniel offered to drive the three best friends to Applebee’s for some appetizers and fun. As the three guys began to walk to the car, Tommy made a mistake he hasn’t made in years. His mind got side tracked thinking about the homework and as he looked up, he spotted the car. But it was too late.

“I swear it happened in slow motion” Tommy said, holding off tears as he searched desperately for tissues which he realized were in the front seat. “Ronald yelled shoooot guuuuun, and everything went dark. I couldn’t walk straight I was too light headed. I convinced myself that it was only a 15 minute drive, but I knew there would be traffic. And as I got in the car and pushed aside all of the notebooks, miscellaneous papers, and empty star bucks cups, I realized just what a mistake I had made, and how I would not soon forget this.”

The second the three got in the car, Daniel rolled down the front windows. In the front seat, the breeze was nice and relaxing. But in the back seat, the breeze reeked havoc. The miscellaneous papers were flying every where and Tommy couldn’t hear a thing. All he could do was see Ronald and Daniel talking, and laughing, and looking serious, and counting something on their fingers. What were they counting? What was so funny? Every so often Tommy screamed at the front to ask what they were discussing but by the time the conversation was explained to him, it had lost its luster.

Eventually Tommy just shut his eyes and prayed for the time to come when the car would pull up to Applebee’s. And, after what felt like hours, and infinite interesting conversations, the car pulled up to Applebees.

And even as the three got out of the car, the two front seat buds continues their conversation. At that point it was about gravy. But Tommy knew it wasn’t just about gravy, there was a way that they got on the subject of gravy. Was it about thanksgiving? No, that was months away. How could two seventeen year olds get on the topic of gravy. I mean, it’s gravy.

All throughout Applebee’s, Tommy daydreamed about sitting in the front seat on the way home and talking with Daniel about anything and everything. Oh how he would put the windows down and just talk and laugh and smile.

Eventually the moment came where the three were walking back to the car. But Tommy was still fantasizing, and he fantasized for a moment too long. For when he looked up, he saw the car but knew he was too late. He heard Ronald say those two dreaded words and immediately knew what he was in for. Damn you, back seat. Damn you.

While none of the means of torture have been released officially, someone close to the tactic negotiations, who was promised anonymity, released a few methods which are being seriously considered, and yes it was Andy Dick. The list of torture tactics include ‘finger bombs’, ‘passage pricks’, and ‘soul rapists’.

It is believed that for the finger bombs, government officials will first take a terrorist and tie him or her down. The terrorist will have a few chances to give the information needed. If the information is given, the terrorist will be released (or shot, it’s not yet determined). If the terrorist does not abide, US officials will put their fingers under the armpit region of the terrorist, and will move their fingers as though they are playing the piano, making the terrorist laugh so hard he will be unable to breath. Little girls, led by Obama’s daughters and Justin Bieber, will then be led into the room and will use a sequence of Indian Burns and ‘I’m not touching you’s’ until the terrorist speaks.

Passage pricks will be used for the most fundamental terrorists. PP’s, as they will be called in casual conversation, will led by Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. The two will be given a Koran (or whichever bible the terrorist favors, by their favorite deity author), and (after learning perfect Arabic), will switch off reading passages. After each passage, they will look at one another, laugh for a minute and point at places on the page, and continue reading.

Soul rapists will be led by Kathy Griffin with additional help from Robin Williams. Kathy will live with the terrorists in their holding cells for as long as needed, and she will be herself. She will joke and do everything normally until the terrorist cannot take it anymore. If need be, Robin Williams will come to give Griffin a 16 hour break, during which Mr. Williams will speak about the first things that come to his mind. A translator may be needed for this. After the terrorist speaks, Kathy Griffin will probably be left in the holding cell. This is what society wants.

There are rumors about other  A-Listers joining the cause, such as Ellen Degeneris and Portia De Rossi making out in front of fundamental terrorists, George Clooney building a strong relationship with the terrorist but then breaking  up with them before marriage, or Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopting the terrorist to live with them in their village.

It is uncertain which one of these tactics will be used but there are strong beliefs that, at the very least, some of these will go into use should the US soon engage in war. Among other clues confirming the rumors, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have already changed their twitter names to Achmed Ferrell and Muhamed C. Reilly, and have begun tweeting in Arabic.