“I’m going to be honest for a minute,” said Alderson as he unpacked his things from his bag and returned to watching The Jersey Shore, “we all have better things to do over the next few weeks and this summer. We aren’t going to win so I think it’s a mature move to just sit this one out. All the other teams got better this offseason but us, we just don’t have money. We’ve all made sacrifices. I had to sell things on ebay just to keep the team afloat. I sold my grandmothers walker for goodness sakes”.

The Mets are being pegged for a last place finish in the competitive National League East. While the Pirates have been considering taking the year off since the early 90’s, the Mets will be the first team to take the year off. A closer look at the move reveals that it makes sense. The Mets team includes dead weight like Jason Bay, guys recovering from injury like Johan Santana, and guys recovering from old age like Johan Santana.

“I was really ready to play,” said David Wright as he finished skyping with Jose Reyes, and pretending to understand what Jose was saying, as Wright had done for the past 9 years. Reyes recently signed with the Marlins for 6 years. “Jealous? No I’m not jealous [of Jose]. He got more money than me, he is going to play baseball this year for a competitor and the guy can’t even speak English. Why would I be jealous?” said Wright as he threw a dart at his dart board which featured a picture of Reyes.  “I’m happy to be a Met. I totally back the management’s decisions. I’m really, really happy to be a Met” Wright finished, as he blatantly read words off of an index card management sent him.

The Mets have not made the playoffs since they lost in the NLCS in 2006. The decision seems like it has been coming for a long time. Even the most enthusiastic Mets fan is having trouble faking enthusiasm for the Mets. Their top free agents who signed don’t speak English which is why they were able to sign the guys. They also promised Frank Francisco that Pedro Martinez is still with the team and that the two were cousins.

When asked about the move to sit this one out, Mr. Met had no comment.

Although the move is highly controversial, even the most fateful Mets fans understand that in another year the Mets will have more money, less baggage, and the young guys will be a year older. The team will be a year closer to competing and fans will just be able to enjoy watching baseball, that’s what Manage Terry Collins is looking forward to.

“Yeh the other teams should just go ahead without us. Yeh I promise. I swear. I don’t care” Collins said, without being questioned or interrupted. “Just go ahead. We’ll just sit this one out and watch” he said grudgingly. “It would be nice to have a little company though,” said Collins as he pulled up the Astros logo on his screen, “although I’m not naming names or pointing fingers” he said as he pointed at the screen. “Everyone else just go ahead without us. See you next year, or the year after that perhaps. I’ll be just fine”.

With that, Collins continued to draft his resume and apply to the corporate world.

            The VDay report shows that Men are having the best Valentines day that they’ve had since 2006 which, I think most people remember. It should be noted that the following numbers are just projections based on early morning trends and which Bob uses to project who will have a successful valentines day or not. Success on valentines day is measured by a very complicated formula which includes, but is certainly not limited to: how a woman enjoys the day, how many times a woman cries from happiness/sadness, how many times during the day that the man forgets that it is valentines day, and whether or not the man “get’s it in” at the end of the night.

Thus far, 16% of men with significant women in their lives, made the women breakfast in bed. Although when subtracting mothers from this list, 12% of men made women breakfast in bed.

A quarter of men got their women flowers although only half of those men guessed the right flowers that their women love.

There have only been 16 reported stabbings by women due to suspicion of cheating, which is down significantly from last year.

Reservations made at nice 4 and 5 star restaurants are way up from last year although this may be due to more money circulating in the economy as well as ‘hotter, younger women’.

Due to all of these numbers, early projections for men who will get it in tonight appear as high as 72%. Those kinds of numbers have not been documented since Bill Clinton was in office.

Again, these numbers are simply projections and can change drastically. Men can undoubtedly fuck up like they did in the early 1960’s and late 1980’s. But while most people believe that Men will screw this up, there are a few men who are hopeful.

“I think that that Men can do it this year” said Bob, as he googled ‘Hot Swedish Women’ to show a picture of his very hot girlfriend who he ‘does the sex with often’. “Men are doing great this year and based on the breakfast in bed numbers, amount of tears in the United States, and some other secret numbers I can’t reveal, I think that the men can pull it off this year. What it’s going to come down to is how many guys finish the deal and get it in tonight. We need old couples to rekindle their love, new couples to seal the deal, and douchebags to act just nice enough to trick great women into getting into bed with them. So step up your game gentlemen”

There are many other optimists like Bob, but there are also skeptics, which include every single woman in the United States. But who knows, Men have a way of surprising the world. They’ve done it before, as recently as Mother’s Day 2003.

Stay tuned for the final tally which will be released tomorrow if Bob spends the night crunching numbers. I can assure you that Bob is going nowhere. There’s a clause in his contract that only allows him to take off for Valentines Day if he has a date with a real women.

As Bob left work, he remembered the woman can’t be his mom. He hesitated before leaving, but again started walking towards the door to leave work. He then remembered, his date can’t be his grandmother either.

The numbers will in fact be released tomorrow. They will inevitably have Bob’s stains of food and sadness all over them.

“We Jews are tired of the influx of Jewish jokes we have been hearing,” said Chaim Shalom, The Jews’ attorney, as he bit into his bagel and lox sandwich, leaving shmeer all over his face. “Perhaps you don’t know, but very few people can make Jewish jokes which are appropriate, and even those people keep the jokes pretty professional ” Shalom said, while spitting a large chunk of lox for every ‘P’ word he used. Upon using the word ‘appropriate’, shalom sent multiple pieces of lox and bagel through the air. A reporter joked that the lox looked like a storm flying through the air, but not to be alarmed because the storm is kosher.

“You are not one of the people who can make Jewish jokes” Shalom said, un-amused, as if the reporter had just eaten a piece of bacon in front of him, or taken his seat in synagogue.  “Those people who can make jokes are Adam Sandler, as long as he sings them, Larry David, but only if the jokes are acted out on the television, and Lenny Kravitz, but he can only make half as many jokes as the others. There are a few more but I’m farmisht at the moment so I can’t remember” Shalom said as he sat down and began eating some Challah with Hummus.

There are suspicions that the lawsuit is simply for money, although Shalom blamed the goyim for this, and screamed rants about the anti-Semites to no one in particular. When asked about specifics for the Jewish jokes, Shalom cited some examples of jokes relating to Jews being cheap, stealing money and the fact that all Jewish men are lawyers.

“Me and the other lawyers I work with, Yonatan Israel, Jacob Levy, and Saul Cohen are sick of the inappropriate jokes. We don’t even get most of these jokes. They come out of no where,” said Shalom as he bent down to pick up a nickel he spotted. “So we are just suing to make a point and I guess money as well but mostly a point.”

“At the end of the day, all we care about are Israel, family, the Torah, fresh hummus, and that everyone should love everyone. Except for the Arabs, they don’t count,” joked shalom. “But I really shouldn’t joke, I’m not on the list and I could sue myself for it.”

Shalom began to chuckle but suddenly, he stopped chuckling and looked more serious that at any point during his interview. He was already distracted from his current lawsuit with another lawsuit, one against himself.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

“I was really hoping this year only the commercials would be televised” Goodell told a reporter who swore he wouldn’t tell anyone on Friday. “I’m so sick of the football game interrupting the commercials. No one gives a shit about the game, really. There are two teams left, so two fan bases, no one else gives a flying fuck.”

“The reason why I lost to the giants in the NFC semi-finals this year was simple” Aaron Rogers said in an exclusive interview with ESPN “was to watch Super Bowl Commercials. I missed the commercials last year when I was forced to play in the Super Bowl Football game and there was no way I was going to miss them again this year.” The interview with Rogers was cut short when ESPN asked Rogers about the idea that Eli Manning was a better QB than him and Rogers laughed so hard and for so long he went unconscious from shortage of air supply.

Although the commercials have long been the most entertaining part, NBC feels an obligation to show the game this year, although next year they may only show the fourth quarter. The commissioner would certainly be on board with this. When asked about who won the Super Bowl last year, Goodell responded:

“Budweiser had a strong showing but I have to give it to Volkswagon last year. That Starwars commercial was brilliant. Oh, you mean the football game. I don’t have a fucking clue.”

            The new safety features will include 6 new elements intended to make everyone on the track more secure in all ways, including sexually secure. NASCAR made the 6 rules public today at a news conference before a sea of southern reporters and one fat guy who was lost but too tired to move. The 6 safety measures include:

(1) Speed Limits- Every track will now include a speed limit. On different parts of the track there will be different speeds limits, generally maxing out at around 80 miles per hour. On some tracks with a lot of twists and curves, there are triangle yellow warning signs with a picture of a NASCAR car on fire, and the speed limit is decreased mightily. “This here should help with the safety of crashes and stuff,” said NASCAR’s president, Mustache McRacist, eloquently.

(2) Tolls Booths- Before every race a series of toll booths will be placed on the race track which racers will have to stop at to pay. The nightmare of this law is their will be no easy pass. Even worse, there will be no change. Racers must have exact change if they want to make it through the toll booth. “This here kills two stones with one bird because we will make money from this too.”

(3) No more milk- There is a tradition for Indianapolis 500 winners to chug a large amount of milk after they win the race. Let’s be honest, this discriminates against the lactose intolerant. And we all know that if there’s one thing that the south hates besides Jews and Blacks, it’s discrimination. “This here milk eliminating law will save an awkward moment and even a life if any driver is lactose intolerant. We considered banning drivers who are lactose intolerant but that seemed inappropriate.”

(4) Stereotyping- NASCAR will start to use stereotypes of drivers to decide who can and cannot race. This obviously means no women, Asians, or old people will be allowed to drive. This is not a grandfather clause so Danica Patrick is officially being terminated. The exception is that there is a grandfather clause for grandfathers. Just to answer a question before it comes up, if someone looks asian, but claims they are not, but has like the asian eyes, they cannot be a part of NASCAR. “This here helps a ton with the safety. If it is found that an asian women sneaks into NASCAR, we have hired a man named Dick [Cheney] to shoot her immediately. We are all about the safety.”

(5) Traffic Lights- This is a big one. There will be sporadic traffic lights on the course. If a driver runs a red light, then the car will immediately be pulled over, ticketed, and towed. “This here is safety 101. This will decrease speeds greatly and will help add more suspense to a race. Imagine the man in first place must stop for a red light, how exciting is that.”

(6) Police Cars- These will be used to enforce all of the above laws. In addition police cars will be around to check registration, make sure cars inspection stickers are not expired, and that the drivers don’t do anything illegal like shift lanes without a blinker. There will be many police cars hired to be spread out along the track and make sure all is safe. “This here is a big one. And by that I mean a big expense. The police will each have to issue 10-15 tickets per event to cover their costs.”

There are some other big changes coming to NASCAR such as an influx of SMART cars, safe Mini Vans, and possibly Monster Trucks (with airbags). The biggest proposal which may soon be passed is to have businesses around the track. These businesses will include drive through food places, gas stations so drivers pay for their own gas, and ATM’s for driver’s who need cash to pay for gas and for the toll booths.  These changes may not be seen until the start of 2013.

Nap time is popular for a kindergartener. In the stressful kindergarten life, one filled with lunch, recess, and coloring, the small kids are rewarded with nap time. You can tell a lot about a kid by the way he or she acts during nap time. Some kids go to sleep immediately, those kids will likely be a lazy bum when they are older or as their parents call them, a normal teenager. Some little boys put their sleep mats next to a girl for nap time. Depending on whether or not it’s the same girl, one can determine if the kid will later be monogamous or not. Some kids need to drink their juice before they can sleep. Those kids will all have drinking problems.

But when the lights go out and the kids finally fall asleep, Little Billy Junior lies wide awake.  He wants to sleep, it would be a nice break for him. He spends all day thinking and worrying. But he can’t.

In the morning, he wakes up and picks an outfit Mrs. Linfield will like. He then eats a breakfast with nutrition and fiber. In the afternoon, LBJ is a day trader. He will trade things from his lunch and stuff he finds in his pocket to other kids, and in turn take what he received, and re-trades for something better.

Legend has it he once traded a banana and a nickel to Suzie for her Snack Pack and Jello (her mom drinks and neglects). LBJ traded the Snack Pack to Christopher whose mom doesn’t let him have chocolate for Christopher’s peanut butter sandwich and his Jello to Tommy for a pack of gushers and a ‘tickle me pink’ Crayon. Pink is Suzie’s favorite color. He traded Suzie the ‘tickle me pink’ crayon for his original banana, the nickel, a plastic knife she found in the schoolyard and a kiss on the cheek. He then sliced up the banana and put it on his sandwich. Yeh, he’s that good.

Little Billy Junior has always thought and colored outside the box. So when nap time rolls around, his mind wont shut off.

“My mind just starts to wander about all the things I gotsta do,” whispered LBJ while the other kids slept and the teacher locked herself in the tiny bathroom with a bottle of Gin and Nicholas Sparks’ ‘The Notebook’. “And I can’t write them down because I don’t know how to write yet. It’s very stressful. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Johnny about a toy car he owes me. I lent him some carrots a while ago and he never paid up so with interest he owes me a toy car. Then this weekend I have a very important playdate with Molly that if all goes well she’ll sleep with me at nap time. Well, she’ll let me lie next to her while I lie awake. And I have an appointment later today with the potty if you know what I’m saying. I have to poop later. Get it now? That’s a lot of stress.”

“I’m not trying to be a bitch” said Bitchy Christine, who, based on her language and passion, would probably grow up to own a mansion of a trailer house, “but he just lies there during nap time with his eyes wide open. It makes me very uncomfortable. But then again, I am sleeping on a floor.”

Little Billy Junior is also concerned for his health. Lately he’s been feeling lethargic and sad and he’s been seeing booboos that he doesn’t remember getting. He thinks he might be a “Hippo Pontiac” which is the little guys way of saying he’s a hypochondriac. Why he knows that word is beyond me. Only one thing is for certain, LBJ’s no normal kindergartener. When nap time rolls around, he simply lies awake, waiting for it to be over because he stay away, unable to sleep. Little Billy Junior is not like the other kids and wouldn’t be for years.

It wouldn’t be until 7^th grade that Tall Billy Jr. would be able to sleep during school. Although I can’t say Mr. Gregor, the most boring history teacher ever, is too pleased about that.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

“There will be many differences with this phone as well as the monthly plan,” explained Bob, 71 year-old President of the Department of Elderly Arthritic Telephone Headquarters, the youngest President of DEATH in Verizon’s history. “First, for the payment, the phone will come with 5 texts a month, 10 outgoing minutes and unlimited incoming calls. This will make it easier for elders to complain that they are not being called enough. We will call it the grandmother special” said Bob as he laughed so hard at that comment he dozed off.

While pictures of the phone has not yet been released, there are rumors going around the old age homes about what the phone will include. The numbers on the phone will be very large and the screen will be gigantic. In fact, it’s rumors that wheelchairs will start to be built to accommodate the huge phones. There will be three large buttons across the top of the phone. The top left, will call an ambulance for help. Top middle will call Life Alert, so that Life Alert can call an ambulance to help you. The third button will automatically connect you to the most local grocery store and will list the kinds of Pudding and Jello in the store, as well as if there is rice pudding or not. Mixing up the three buttons could be detrimental. All three are currently set to be the color red because all three are for emergencies.

There will also be all kinds of short cuts. Holding down the number 1 will automatically text you grandchildren asking why they have not called recently. Holding down number 2 will automatically text your children with a complaint. The new technology allows the phone to generate a complaint so the user does not have to think too hard about what to complain about. As a side note, Jewish Grandmothers will be offered a larger texting plan to accommodate excessive complaints. Holding down button three plays Jazz from the 30s so that users can make racist comments to themselves about how they love the music but hate the player.

The coolest piece of technology may be the ability to control volume. On incoming calls, the volume will be increased to an unprecedented degree. And when old men scream into the phone without realizing, the phone recognizes old men aggression and automatically lowers the volume to a point where he almost sounds pleasant.

A sneak peak of the phone was seen when Bobs girlfriend of 55 years walked into the room to check on him. She saw him with his eyes shut and ran to his side, feeling for his pulse. She screamed in panic and pulled an old person phone from Bob’s pocket, which was presumably being used as a test run by few selected old men. Her hands trembled as she opened the phone, knowing how time sensitive the need was to get Bob help. She pried the phone open and hit the red emergency button. The phone rang and finally a man picked up.

There is no tapioca pudding in stock at the local super market.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

Mr. Bryant didn’t request a prenup with Vanessa due to both “love” and “great animal sex” which leaves the settlement up in the air. Rumor has it that everything Mr. Bryant touches is his and everything that Ms. Bryant touches is hers. This held true when Ms. Bryant held on to the huge Newport Coast mansion as well as everything inside of it. It did not hold true however, when Mr. Bryant immediately reached out to touch Ms. Bryant’s chest.

Word has it that the toughest part of the settlement will be who gets to keep Mr. Bryant’s “game”. Mr. Bryant has said publicly that Ms. Bryant can have most of his $200 million dollars, custody to his kids and even the star wars Lego set he spent the offseason playing with and building. One thing he made clear is that she could not have his game.

“Kobe Bryant will give that bitch whatever she wants. She can have my money and my three kids”, said Mr. Bryant in an interview Monday. “She can even have my lego set but Kobe Bryant needs to keep his game. She can’t touch that. Kobe doesn’t suddenly want to start playing like Lebron in the last five minutes of every game”.

It should be noted that as of mid January Kobe is averaging 30 points per game and almost 6 assists per game for the Lakers. He’s off to his usual all star season.

And with the settlement up in the air, only two things are for sure though:

First is that Ms. Bryant will fight for Kobe’s “game” in addition to his money, the kids and the lego set.

And second, Mr. Bryant only has two kids with Ms. Bryant.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

In honor of one of my best friend, Everett Spear’s birthday, I wanted to make note of 10 Facts about Everett that he tries to keep on the low down, but I think people should know:

10) Everett once saved a cheetah from a tree. The next day, he found his 15 ft. ladder that he had misplaced.

9) Everett often goes into Carnegie library. He uses the doors at the top of the stairs (you have to go to Syracuse to understand that one).

8) Everett once gave a kid open heart surgery with the straw of his juice box. He then finished his apple juice, straw-less, and returned to 3^rd grade recess.

7) Everett once climbed Mount Everest. His shirt clashed with the color of the mountain so he did it shirtless.

6) On Everett’s transcript the word awesome appears 16 times.

5) Everett is so popular that when he logs onto facebook, his notification tab says all the people he doesn’t have a notification from. It’s a real time saver.

4) If a tree falls in the Forrest and no one is around to hear it, Everett hears it

3) When Everett claps his hand four times, pauses and claps twice more, The Does Equis Guy shows up to dim his lights and sing him a lullaby.

2) Hugh Hefner goes to Everett to ask for sex advice

1) The meaning of life is still trying to understand Everett.

Happy 20th Buddy. All the best and many more.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012

“It was pretty clear after the first day that the syllabus was not something that could be passed over quickly” Mr. Belmundo recalled. “On the top of the page, the name of the class is written. ‘PHI 107: Theories of Knowledge and Reality’. Actually, we sped by that name with only a few questions, but then when we came to where the sheet said ‘Fall 2010’, things started to slow down. Students started asking brilliant questions”.

Mr. Belmundo spoke of how the students ‘questioned about what is fall?’ This in turn led to questions about, what makes a season a season? Is snow real? What year is it really? Mr. Belmundo began all answers by pausing to regroup all of his deepest thoughts, before going ahead into answers which took up class periods, or sometimes even days. The course description began to be discussed in mid October, and by Halloween, the class was discussing requirements. Talking about requirements spun into questions about free will. Does it exist? Why should a kid have to do homework? If they don’t do homework, will the outcome of life really change? What is a final exam really, and how can the value of an education be expressed on paper, or at all?

Mr. Belmundo took up until Thanksgiving break to talk about the book requirements. As he explained, the kids discussed what is a book, which in turn led to conversations about the outdoors, the sky, and the environment, leading to a conversation of paper and trees, which ultimately led to the question on everyone’s mind: if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?

The class discussions were so stimulating that there were multiple days where Mr. Belmundo would walk into the classroom, put a gentle hand through his long hair, take off his glasses, sit at his desk silently and rub the temple of his eyes until the class was over. On multiple occasions, teachers complained that Mr. Belmundo forgot to dismiss the students until hours after the class was over. Mr. Belmundo explained that when discussing the late policy, the kids and he came to a revelation that watches shouldn’t have the power to tell people how to live their lives. At that point, Mr. Belmundo smashes the clock in the room with a student’s math textbook and all the students threw their watches and cell phones into the garbage can.

On the last day of classes, Mr. Belmundo gave a speech about how impressed he was by all of the students. He requested that no students raise their hands while he spoke so that he could give his speech with minimal tangents, such as the meaning of life. And when Mr. Belmundo was finished speaking about the meaning of life, something he had not planned to do, he excused the class to leave. But none of the students left, they wanted to know what class Mr. Belmundo would next teach. Mr. Belmundo said that he planned to teach a class titled ‘Skeptics; doubting that they exist’, in the spring of the following semester.

And with that, all of the students stood up and applauded wildly. They didn’t understand how sound came from clapping any more, but they just did it. Mr. Belmundo was truly touched. Even the two students in the back of the room, who came to every class wearing sunglasses carrying bags of food, managed to stand and applaud. A tear could be seen running down the face of one of the boys, right beneath his sunglasses. Mr. Belmundo had changed the students’ lives, and he hadn’t even made it past the syllabus.

Andrew M. Steinbach©2012